From time to time I stumble upon a good book that keeps me away from the monotony of Television and gaming.
Earlier this week I started reading a book called Morden Romance which basically discusses the evolution of dating with modern technology. Social media and services like WhatsApp have revolutionised the way people interact. Love in the 21st century has totally been rewritten.
This entire post contains multiple quotes from that book mixed with my take on the subject so it isn’t entirely original.
In late 2007 I had an experience that shifted my whole approach to dating. I met someone I was fond of. We exchanged digits and made the fateful mistake of over texting-back-and-forth. I actually asked her out via text. She was sharp and intelligent, probably the wittiest person I’ve ever met. When it finally came to proper physical interaction with my new girlfriend , things got really awkward. There was no rapport, we were both uncomfortable. We tried to kiss and it felt awkward. Conversation was dry because we knew everything about one another.
Relationship didn’t last long and I was dumped over text on valentines day. I was gutted but through the pain I had a moment of clarity that involved a bit of alcohol. From that point I decided I would avoid using technology if I could avoid it.
Moving on from her I made sure every new romantic interaction had a proper physical face to face foundation before moving on to calling and texting . Initially it was hard but since then my track record has been almost flawless. I’ll usually only ask for a number if I intend to meet the person. I keep texting and calling to a minimum and if I have to tell someone how I feel about them. I always do it in person.
What I’ve observed is the quality of my relationships has improved. They say body language speaks volumes so I can easily discern if someone is into me or not without wasting my time. I don’t feel like I’m chasing or overreaching. Oddly once the physical foundation is laid properly, the calling and texting is more fun and spontaneous. You’re not playing a who texted first or last game. Communication is synergistic. I once had a 6 hour telephone conversation with someone I had spent the day with and she’s the one who called . All the insecurity vapours and the transition to the physical aspect of the relationship is much smoother. It’s deeper than fishing for nudes.
In a face-to-face conversation, people can read each other’s body language, facial expressions, and tones of voice. If you say something wrong, you have cues to sense it and you have a moment to recover or rephrase before it makes a lasting impact. Even on the phone you can hear a change in someone’s voice or a pause to let you know how they are interpreting what you’ve said.
In text, your mistake just sits there marinating on the other person’s screen, leaving a lasting record of your ineptitude.
I can safely say 90% of my relationships have been independent approaches. I don’t like being hooked up and like my romantic life to be private. If I’m interested I’ll approach. It has always been effective for me. I have exes I met on the way to buy airtime. Taking a walk after a football match. If I’m attracted to someone I don’t hesitate. Not to say I’m always on the prowl for women. It’s a weird statistic but I think between 2008 and 2013 I probably only got rejected once and once again it was a case of texting before face to face which was mostly because the distance between us. When we finally hooked up the meeting was awkward.
Facebook and Twitter have opened up interesting ways to meet people. With the way I’ve evolved over the years I never seriously considered the Internet to be a place to meet women especially since I’m not insecure about doing it in living colour . From the outside it feels like a desperate thing to do.
But then you socialise and interact with people daily . I’ve gone into business with people I’ve met on Twitter. I’m currently working on a horticultural project spawned from a twitter. There are real people on the Internet. The other day my Step Dad was marvelling at the recent business connections I made on Twitter.
You can’t be hypocritical. If you’re able to make solid business connections who’s to say you cannot do the same for relationships.
It has never been my main objective to do the online thing but I will admit I’ve had a few eye opening experiences.
My first online dating experience doesn’t really count coz it was someone I had known from before. The second one was more meaningful. Before meeting I was half interested . After that we went for dinner and I was surprised we actually connected. It was a scary thought to catch feelings for someone you’ve met online and it went against everything I believed in. Statistically in the developed world the proportion of marriages with online foundations has almost surpassed the traditional boy meets girl ones. It’s quite astounding and who knows what the world will be like in twenty years time.
As we see more and more people online, it can get difficult to remember that behind every text message, Facebook profile, and Twitter Avatar picture there’s an actual living, breathing, complex person, just like you.
The lines have become blurry. Your digital and physical lives are intertwined. I probably socialise more frequently with my online friends than with the real ones. I have people I’ve been talking to for five years now. Who’s to say that shit ain’t real.
With technology the dating pool has suddenly become an ocean. You’re no longer limited to your geographical circle to pursue relationships. The options are limitless.
With an increase in options settling down feels like settling for less.
“We all see way more faces in the digital world. And in a strange way, all the faces we see in the world or even on social media feel like real options that we are closing the door on when we settle down. Have you ever aimlessly browsed around on Instagram? It can be like going down a rabbit hole: clicking on friends, friends of friends, people who’ve liked those friends’ photos.
You see photos of all these beautiful people. You take a look at a few photos of someone’s feed and you can begin to get a sense of who they are. You start to wonder, Wow, what if this person and I connected?” , [Quote]
It’s crazy, a real jungle. The other day I was walking in town with a friend helping him buy a few things for his wedding. We saw a lot of gorgeous women and I exclaimed to him that he was losing out on so much in the single world.
When the opportunity to settle down presents itself, the glamour of the single life and all the potential options looms over our heads.
But then single life isn’t always fun. At a certain point the cost of the work needed to maintain a fun single lifestyle outweighs the benefits. The nights when you have amazing casual sex start getting outweighed by the times you wander home alone wasted and wake up hungover.
In between the fun, a lot of times there is emptiness.
Settling down offers the chance to fill that void with the dependable, deeper, intimate love of a committed relationship.
At times I feel I’m ready to settle down and most times I don’t give a fuck.
It is on the agenda in the not too distant future.
They say we’re living in the era of the soul mate. Where people are more focused on finding the one person that completes them.
Ancient Greek mythology states that we were all four-legged creatures to start; half man and half woman. Zeus was afraid us humans would get too powerful so he sliced us right down the middle, and everybody spends their life looking for the matching piece. I’ve always had my doubts about that love is one soul inhabiting two bodies especially when I observe relationships and marriages of older people that seem to lack any love.
There’s this strong belief that I see mostly in women that there’s only one person for you.
With numerous options the idea of the one seems like a myth. There are so many interesting people that can complete you and be worthy life partners if you allow the relationship to flourish.
Every time somebody falls in love, they create their own mythology to go with it. Don’t they? About her. And you. It makes it all bigger than life. Has to be, doesn’t it?
I’ve experienced different versions of myself with different women and learnt a lot about myself in the process. My ideal woman would probably be a combination of all the chicks from my past. I’ve found you can truly enjoy your experience with someone if you look past what’s on the surface.
Between 19 and 29 I’ve grown a lot as person. 10 years ago it was obvious I would go for the tall light skinned chick with the pretty face and dashing outfit. Now my taste has evolved. I look past the appearance. A pretty face won’t keep me interested though it still gets my attention. I know what I want and what I don’t like and I’m more secure about myself so I have no trouble walking away from anyone or dealing with rejection.
With so many romantic options, instead of trying to explore them all, make sure you properly invest in people and give them a fair chance before moving on to the next one.
After a certain point, if you’re still trading endless back-and-forth messages online, you’re just wasting time. Have faith in your ability to size someone up in person.
Do things that are going to help you experience what it’s really like to be with this person. Don’t just stare at each other across the table while sipping a beverage and making the same small talk you’ve made a thousand times about siblings, and where you went to college.
Also, have faith in people. A person may seem just okay, but if you really invest time in the relationship, maybe they’ll be greater than you assume…